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[05 Feb 2006|06:39pm] |
urgh
i dont wanna watch the super bowl
i get bored easily
i made taco dip
i even siced the tomatos and the onions (without chopping off apendages)
im sore and tired
todays a blah day
i havent done any homework
im thirsty
entity <3
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[26 Jan 2006|09:41pm] |
goddammit im feeling reflective tonight
so reflective i shall be
everythings changed so much.
(der)
iv watched people go from one person to a completley differnt person, in the span of, months.
it irks me out. im not one for change. (grow up kim)
well im not. its no use lying about it.
its just that. so many things that i have tried so hard to keep out of my life, have suddenly consumed it, taken it over, occupied my everyt thought, and dream.
its become, almost an obessesion. i want to hear everything, but at the same time i wanna throw my hands over my ears and sing to cover it all up.
you cant blame my opinions for being biased.
our opinions are colored by our experiences. that you cant deny.
therfore, experiences ---> opinions
soo....bite me. :-)
im not preaching (dont worry) and im not whining (merh)
just thinking outloud
its better than keeping it all inside, my head gets all hot, and it starts to pound, and then i feel sick to my stomach, and then the blured vision starts, and i need to take a nap.
so this is less time consuming i feel.
i blame being a senior.
or hormones.
but being a senior sounds more psychologically indusive
(did i use that right)
how do you feel about kerry's desicion to filibuster?
in all honesty, im not sure what they think its going to acomplish, perhaps they're gonna wait until a george leaves office to replace her. two years... thats a long time. hes not gonna nominate anyone even moderatly conservative, we all know that. still, a noble attempt?
one day i will fillibuster, just not as a senator, who wants to compromise their political views?
urgh. maybe i need to work all the time, and have lots of hoemwork, to avoid shit like this. by the time i lay down at night to even breathe, im exhasted and i fall asleep.
then the dreams start, but they usually turn from deep and meaningful, to morally humerous by, 4th hour. (yeah government, do you expect any less?)
see, everyone in government thinks im psycho lady, cuz i can joke about everything with them, but i cant even discuss it with my boyfriend. well, they have to understand that when i am uncomfortable about things i do one of two: blabber until an entity is forced to nail my mouth shut or option b) i dont talk at all.
i am a highly productive human being.
...you cant bring anyone up, they can only bring you down...
true or false?
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[22 Jan 2006|01:22am] |
dear entity
if i were a braver person id be calling you right now
but im not
its prolly just hormones, right?
xoxo
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[01 Dec 2005|07:30pm] |
dear entity
if people who are perpetually pissed off, are considered alienanated, i guess that makes us alienanated?
but we still care right?
i think theres too much of a hostile sterotype of alienated people out there.
i mean, we'd vote.
i think alienanated people are crucial to society
some of the greatest people/thinkers of all time were alienated..
hemmingway, gertrude stein, poe, etc etc
ok so most of them were either alcoholics or deranged.
thats besides the point.
we need a monty python night soon, completle with chinese at 5, and taco bell at 1.
phil could come,
we could sing the sperm song.
perhaps we would be less perpetually pissed off?
love always,
entity
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[16 Nov 2005|03:01pm] |
because of you-kelley clarkson
<3
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[08 Nov 2005|08:40pm] |
ENTITY
where r u entity?
do u remember when we used to use the word "cunny" religiously?
i think we should start that again.
ill start:
LIFE IS ONE BIG CUNNY!!
one can blow me if one does not appreciate that
dear entity:
please find me and check me into a mental hospital.
With love,
entity
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[03 Nov 2005|10:13pm] |
Climbing out of the sky a man who could fly and a painting anyone could play.
It's a comic book crush that taught you to trust.
Staring out of the stands at a rock n roll band
and a hero no one else could save, it was never much but it's all that you gave.
And I wonder if you wonder, or did your stars finally explode?
Did the thunder pull you underneath the haze?
I'm amazed, then I let go.
Little minds let little pain burn big old dreams with little flames,
and you don't think I understand.
Little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling,
if they do, it's because you want to land.
Climbing out of his chair to fix the T.V. glare is a man
but no one knows he's there.
It's a Dramamine dream that kept them alive but lost.
She's got her plastic friends and a brand new Benz and she laughs,
"Hell, sometimes life ain't fair"
It's a comic book crush that got them nowhere.
These elevator doors are closing again you leave before I planned.
I taste you walking down the hall.
You left your perfume on the nightstand.
Little minds let little pain burn big old dreams with little flames,
and you don't think I understand.
Little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling,
if they do, it's because you want to land.
i love this song
i love soco
i wish i could fix myself
p.s. me and sean are gonna run the naked mile together
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[02 Nov 2005|10:12pm] |
wow,
so i had so much fun tonight after induction.
despite the shitty conversations i had with my boyfriend and the fact that i wanted to go home and wallow in my mysery.
i went anyways.
i am so glad. thankyou britni, kelley, heather and sean, for putting some fun back into my life.
i have not laughed that hard honestly, in i dont know how long.
i truly truly had a great time.
on the way home i turned off the soco and listened to some happy rap music.
it was good.
i am in a decent mood
despite the fact that i have a ton of homework i should be doing. i dont care
im happy with the way my night went.
thanks guys:-) i mean that
happy entry for today! whee
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[30 Oct 2005|06:24pm] |
Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man's bar
Waiting for his turn to die
The cowboy kills the rock star
And Friday night's gone too far
The dim light hides the years
On all the faded girls
Forgotten but not gone
You drink it off your mind
You talk about the world
Like it's someplace that you've been
You see you'd love to run home
But you know you ain't got one
And you're livin' in a world
That you're best forgotten around here
Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man's bar
Waiting for his turn to die
You choke down all your anger
Forget your only son
You pray to statues when you sober up for fun
Your anger don't impress me
The world slapped in your face
It always rains like hell on the losers day parade
You see you'd love to run home
But you know you ain't got one
'Cause you're livin' in a world that you're best forgotten
And when you're thinkin' of a joke
And nobody's gonna listen
To the one small point
I know they been missin' round here
Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man's bar
Waiting for his turn to die
You see you'd love to run home
But you know you ain't got one
'Cause you're livin' in a world
That you're best forgotten
And if you're thinkin' of a joke
Do you think that they'll listen
To the one small point
I know they been missin' round here
Broadway is dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway is dark tonight
See the young man sitting
In the old man's bar
Waiting for his turn to die
i <3 the goo goo dolls
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[23 Oct 2005|02:56am] |
i have realized that i have become such an unhappy person
it takes tremendous effort for me to try and be happy
this is not a new realization,, but tonight it really caught up to me.
i dont think i know how to have fun anymore, im so strung out.
at the end of the day all i wanna do is crash onto a bed and sleep.
i rarely go out-out anymore, for lack of time and energy
i feel so blah, about everything.
i feel so removed from everything. i guess i really dont wanna get into specifics cuz it will make me angry. but, what happened to honest communication? i guess we never had it.
i have a headache. tonight i also discovered that u should always trust ur instincts, no matter how far fetched it sounds, there is some plausible reason for why you feel that way.
it made me wanna throw up. not because of the actual situation, but because thats exactly what i was worried about.
i dont fit.
today for the first time i tried to explain to someone, the sequence of my mental logic, and how it scares me, and i really tried to open up, and they didnt get it. they thought i was talking about something completley different. i dont blame him. i dont get it. but once someone unintentionally shuts me down, i cant open back up. its so hard for me to physically voice my fears, and my thought processes.
when i was younger and i used to get scared at night, i would cry and run to my dad, and he would come into my room, and help me think of happy things, (which at the time consisted of riding princess in my next lesson) and he would stay there with me until every bad thought had been chased out of my head and i could sleep.
sometimes i still wish hed do that.
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[22 Sep 2005|10:24pm] |
my head is splitting in half
fuck you and a half
this is retarded
i refuse to have an i.m. relationship
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[07 Sep 2005|10:48pm] |
ugh
i got a lot done today i think (or i could just be hallucinating)
i did more then half of my phsyics homeowkr
i did my calc homework, and everything in the review that we've discussed
i did my psych introduction objectives
and i did my college writing essays
plus i rode.
but my legs felt like they belonged to someone else, and for the life of me, i cannot sit up straight while putting a horse on the bridle, i stare at their head and hunch. But today my legs felt like lead and so i would squeeze and squeeze and nothing would happen and then id get ahead of the motion and hunch forward and it was just icky.
le sigh
im exhausted its time for bed for me:-)
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[05 Sep 2005|09:42pm] |
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
i hate the way i can be in one of the greatest moods, and then all of a sudden i just feel like complete and utter shit. i dont know why, i shouldnt have reacted to getting lost the way i did.
i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes.
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[25 Aug 2005|04:39pm] |
did i mention i have a myspace?
yeah 0xkonstantinex0 same as my journals
you should add me:-)
i actually have (2) pics on there haha
as soon as my senior pics get in, ill post them (well the ones i like)
i have to go to work, im exhausted, i have to work tomorrow, i have to ride too.
all of my cool barn chickies have moved on to bigger and better things (state)
its sad, next year were all gonna be leaving, did i mention i was a senior now? and i have a senior schedule sitting in front of me?
erlack.
sunrise...sunset...sunrise...sunset.
i need more sleep, this is pointless, i also need to change for work. like now.
muah
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[18 Aug 2005|12:28pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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lover i dont have to love |
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well, i got all 3 essays for my u-m application written.
their not done yet, their still in their drafting stages but at least something is down on paper.
im gonna write another one too i think, and then pick the best of the 2.
hopefully j will be able to help out with this too, if hes not too busy. that would be fantsatic
my sisters being really cool and helping me out via e-mail.
umm we go to win-a-gin tomorrow:-D im really excited. i think my sister and sahara are gonna do really well as long as my sister keeps her head about her. shes been working really hard and i give her a lot of credit. its gonna be so much fun. its like one last blowout before school because all the people iv been hanging out with over the summer are gonna be there. then monday i have to work in the morning, go get my schedule, then work in the evening then go to a party. apparently jeremys gettin back monday, i thought he was gettin back tuesday but either way, hes prolly gonna be pissed that i wont be able to rush over there and see him right away, but i do have shit to do. tuesday im gonna have to work big red check in all day. and weds is the approval. then with whatever i have to work during the week. saturday i have a family birthday party then i have 2 days and school starts.
death.
i still havent figured out how im going to balance everything between school, work and riding.
dom better hire some new girls cuz im only gonna be able to work 2 or 3 days during the week. then weekends. but all the girls are gonna wanna work weekends so i might not get them. damn.
suddenly i remember why i gave up on you. and its put me at ease thank god. god i remember why i hate people now.
i prolly wont be able to ride all weekend, cuz of the show. i might come home tomrrow to ride. i still havent decided if im commuting back and forth or staying in the camper.
this entry is pointless i felt the need to keep typing after writing all those essays. urgh.
i decided last night that i was really starting to miss my boyfriend. :-/
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[16 Aug 2005|12:28pm] |
how does one bully one's subconscious into being good?
any ideas?
suggestions?
ugh, blow me.
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[15 Aug 2005|01:37am] |
per usual, i am completley retarded
that is all
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[14 Aug 2005|02:28am] |
i dont wanna fall to pieces
i just wanna sit and stare at you
god i suck at this.
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[10 Aug 2005|08:28pm] |
me looking over U-M's application and reading essay question aloud: "what would you as an individual bring to our campus community?"
my sister casually listening and hanging out on my bed: "liquer?"
u have to love family, you really do.
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[09 Aug 2005|09:32pm] |
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 calm |
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alanis |
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this is my to-do list:
if im online, and you see me, bug me about my to-do list, and why i am not doing anything on my to-do list
*not to avid readers, this is effective starting tomorrow:-D
clean my room
clean bathroom
fill out both U-M and State applications
get rid of all the old clothes i dont wear
put up all my pictures from prom on my wall
find pics of me and barn stuff, and frame them
do my psych homework (by the way, does anyone even know what the homework is, cuz i defenetly forgot and im almost positive i lost the sheet)
read as many of the books i took from kohut as possible
give toby a bath
hang out with all my friends that are leaving at the end of the summer
find out where im sleeping for north adams
talk to jen about dressage lessons (note to self-horse must be sound)
stop biting nails
take over world
in other non-related news, i made $2 today for doing a carry out
that brings my total funds up to...$2. yesss.
im working both saturday and sunday this week, which is fine.
i have a lesson tomorrow at 3
i enjoy vegging out, i think im gonna make pizza tonight n watch a movie in my living room
my boyfriend is climbing a mountain in new mexico-he wont be back for 2 weeks
with my luck a mountain lion will eat him
school is creeping closer and closer, i havent started hyperventilating yet, we'll save that for big red check in when i realize my schedule is going to be the end of me
so with school i realize im gonna be really busy, school, riding, work, etc.
hopefully i wont be working every single day (except mon and weds) 4 days should do it.
my horsie is still swollen, i think its gettin worse, it makes me uneasy.
im just blabbing on about nothing.
huzzah.
that is all.
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